:Fill in the Blank:

Today is one of those days where there is not enough Xanax and wine in the world to make me feel ok.  I want to go to sleep and just stay sleeping.........

*"Why should I live, why wish for anything, or do anything?" "Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy?"
~Tolstoy

Effy

Clarification

I received a email from a reader yesterday that was filled with accusations and vulgarity.  I can only guess to the identity of the writer but from the way it was written I surmise that it is someone close to my sperm donor.  I will not repost the message as I will give no credence to anything that was written in it.  It was filled with lies that have been told and retold for years; all in a attempt to cover up tracks and heap shame on the wrong person.  The only point I will take up is this:  I do not use this blog as a "public whipping post" for Steve.  He pops up in random posts because of the irreversible damage he did to me.  If I wanted to make this "family affair" really public; all I would have to do is post personal information and documents proving everything I have ever accused him of.  I do not think that it is in the best interest for anyone involved for me to have to do that.  BUT as I have said time and time again- push me.  Keep pushing me and see what happens.  I have been kind in my retelling of the facts and have left out the large majority of what the main underlying issue is.  But I don't care anymore; if I keep getting the emails and the comments regarding MY posts about MY experiences, then I will lay ALL the cards out on the table.  I WILL use full names.  I WILL post police and court documents.  I WILL not be silenced by idle threats.  I WILL drag you through the mud and I WILL turn this into a public whipping post if the shit does not stop.  Was 17 years not enough abuse - must we continue it?  To the writer of the email; a few points.  First, spelling and grammar are key.  Pretend you didn't drop acid all though high school and write like an adult does.  See the proceeding paragraphs for help.  Secondly, if you are stupid enough to believe his lies and fall for all the smoke and mirrors - you to are dead to me.  Thirdly, you know nothing.  You were not there - (I am assuming; unless it is SD) so telling me that I made it up is a little fucked up.  Lastly, anyone can hide behind a fake email address.  It takes an adult - a MAN, to say things like that to my face.  So princess, whoever you are; either STFU and move on or prepare yourself for a VERY PUBLIC flogging of Steve (aka SD sperm donor).  I do not like threats even childish ones like yours.  This is my place to write my feelings and thoughts.  You do not need to come to this particular page on the internet.  There are billions more; visit them.  Here, I invoke my 1st amendment rights so if you don't like it; take your eyes elsewhere.

Back to normal blogging tomorrow.  Sorry for the blip - but it needed to be addressed as it was one of many I have been receiving.  Hope that clears things up for everyone and I don't need to make a trip to the courthouse.  But I will if need be.

Live, Laugh, Love! <3
~~~~Effy

Flashbacks.......

My Saturday morning started out as any other; get Jason up and fed for work (that sentence sounds like he is 2) and then clean house.  This morning Jason was actually early so we sat down to watch a little TV before he left.  Flipping through channels, he ended up on cartoons; something we never watch because, well "Spider Riders".....really?!  BUT as soon as my little eyes saw animation on a Saturday morning, like a Pavlovian dog I got up and marched into the bedroom.
Growing up, my sperm donor had a lot of rules.  My life was dictated by rule after bogus rule; over and over he pounded stupid shit into my head.  "Don't eat raw cookie dough," don't ride your bike to the end of the driveway," "sit at the table until you finish all your Hamburger Helper,"wash your hands after touching anything I haven't blasted with pure bleach." I was so freaking neurotic as a kid; in fact, I am still neurotic but no where near his level!  He was like a level 50 Warlock when it came to everything - EVERYTHING!
So why did I march my tuchuss into the bedroom?  Because - as a child I was not allowed to come downstairs on the weekends to watch cartoons unless my bed was made and my room picked up.  Then, Sargent sperm donor would do a military check and if it met his EXTREMELY high expectations for 7:30am; I was allowed to go downstairs and have breakfast and watch cartoons.
It was like a military flashback!  Jason even told me to leave it and sit down so we could spend some time together before he left.  I couldn't!  I HAD to make the bed.  Right then.  Don't get confused; I make the bed every single day.  I can't sleep in a messy bed - HUGE pet peeve!  But the freaking cartoons set off a literal panic alarm internally and I was driven to do it; partially out of fear!  Fear! Honestly I cannot believe that at 27, that abusive dumbass still holds power over me! It took all of 5 minutes and then I sat back down with my coffee and felt --- normal.
So now I have a whole new basket of issues to take to my therapist...... jesus christ!  Part of me wants to rip the bed apart right now as a form of non-compliance but the person I would be trying to piss off; is dead to me.  How can a corpse still dictate your life even after they are gone and you thought that you had finally beaten all the demons he left?  Part of me also wants to drive to his house and just lay him out on the concrete  for fucking me up so bad; but he is a girl and would call the popo.  :EPIC EYE ROLL:
I am certain that this creature will continue to haunt me until the day he actually dies.  And that pisses me off.  I want control of my life back- and I want him to not even be a memory.  I want him to be nothing. But you can't erase 17 years of hell and you can't erase 17 years of structured fear. 17 years of living in constant panic and terror......

Whatever- I will let my therapist figure this puzzle out.  I have spent to much time already today wasting thoughts on him.  For being a nothing he sure takes up a lot of my time......that saddens me.

Off to try and have a "normal" Saturday.  It is GNO (girls night out) tonight and I cannot wait!  First stop - Hoots for a razorblade with the girls in memory of Ms. Kara Bear (we <3 and miss your face Laaaaaaaaaaady!!)  Then over to Scooter to show the gays how we do it!  Holler!  Operation Effy Blackout '11 is about to go down!

Peace, <3 and Chicken Grease!
~~~Effy

Shove off Annie!

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow 
'Til there's none!


The thing about depression is that the deeper you sink into it; the more you let it become a part of you- the harder it is to wait for the sun to come out.  I have been on the search for a job for over 3 years and everyday that passes that I don't have one; the further into my depression I let myself sink.  The deeper I get, the less I care about - well, everything.  


Why get out of bed?  So I can tidy up the apartment in 10 minutes and then spend the rest of the day staring at page after page of jobs that I am either over or under qualified for?  
Why take a shower?  I never leave the house.  Nobody sees me; plus waiting for the water to get warm takes to long.  
Why change out of my pajamas when they only people that *might* see me are the Mormons that wander around here looking for souls to "save"-  I don't need clothes to debunk their "religion" and make them doubt their "god." I could do it in a Smokey the Bear costume while hitting a gravity bong.
Why brush my teeth?  Nobody kisses me anymore and I will be dead before I need dentures.  Plus-  it takes up too much energy and involves to many steps.  
Why eat?  I am poor so the quality of food I have is shit.  there is no nutritional value and involves to many steps.  Depression does not let you be hungry; it leaves you nauseous and parched.  Depression wants complete control.  Plus-  the only upside to depression is the weight loss. 


People keep telling me to go outside and enjoy the sun-  "that will cheer you up."  It might.  But the thought of having to put on clothes, brush my hair, find my shoes, lace them up----- fuck, it is exhausting just to think about all that is involved in a simple walk.
Depression is like having a leech attached to your soul; sucking you dry of all energy or hope that you once *might* have had.  Except you can't get rid of it by throwing salt on it-  
Depression lays down roots that crawl and spread to every inch of your body.  It is like a mighty sequoia-  this huge presence that casts a shadow over your entire life; choking out any hope of the sun getting in.   Depression take you over so completely that there is no room for happiness or sadness or any other emotion.  It weighs you down, drains you of you life source and leaves you exhausted and beaten.


So Annie- take your annoying little red curls and go to hell!  In real life you would have stayed in that orphanage until you were 18.  Then they would have chucked you ass out on the street!  You better not bet your bottom dollar- you are going to need it.

SLH

I couldn't have written it any better.......................

'Tis be the story of my life!  One cycle after another----maybe someday I will be strong enough to break it.  Maybe.....

Love The Way You Lie
Eminem 

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off her love, drunk from my hate, it's like I'm huffin' pain
And I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me, she f**kin' hates me
And I love it, "wait, where you goin'?"
"I'm leavin' you," "no you ain't come back"
We're runnin' right back, here we go again
So insane, cause when it's goin' good it's goin' great
I'm superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snap
Whose that dude? I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength


You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills used to get em
Now you're getting f**kin' sick of lookin' at em
You swore you'd never hit em, never do nothin' to hurt em
Now you're in each other's face spewin' venom in your words when you spit em
You push pull each other's hair
Scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em
So lost in the moments when you're in em
It's the rage that's the culprit, controls you both
So they say it's best to go your seperate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playin' over
But you promised her next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane


Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby please come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?    {Hell NO!}
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar if she ever tries to f**kin' leave again
I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

Bring the Rain......

For the last few weeks I have had this soul crushing, breath stealing ache in my heart that I just cannot shake.  This is not uncommon for me, as anyone who has ever met me, will testify; but usually I can drag myself out of the funk with a little S Club 7 (shut up) and shadow boxing (true story).  You can't be sad when rockin' out to a late 90's pop group; it is like trying to frown on a jetski- ain't gonna happen friend!  So yesterday morning as I was packing I threw on the I pod and readied myself to pop and lock around my bedroom.   Didn't work.  I tried.  I really tired. Picked a different song.  No dice.  I feel myself losing it slowly.......
Flash forward 10 minutes; I am on the floor in this pitiful ball of shaking sobs and primal, gut wrenching moans.
Flash forward 30 minutes: I feel good enough to pick my head off the floor as to not look like a total train wreck in case someone finds me.  A few deep breaths later and I feel anew;  like a rainstorm blew through me, washing away some of the hurt and anger.  It is still there--- it will always be there.  A constant reminder that I am scarred and battered; my war wounds from a life unexpected.

I know that for the rest of my life I will struggle with the inner demons that haunt me.  I will do my best to take them as they come and beat them back but today I finally learned that it is not a weakness to cry.  In fact, holding in the ache just makes it worse.  So from today on-  when I want to cry; I'm gonna cry.  I don't care if I have to excuse myself to the restroom or bolt for a dressing room; I will no longer bottle crap up.  Well, I will bottle most of it but I will release it before I blow completely up.  Again.

Moral of the story:  being a cry baby is not necessarily a bad thing.

Stephanie Lynn

Poem 256

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-- W H Auden

I Am No Idiot! or Learn how to log out of your Facebook, moron!

Cheater, cheater where'd you meet her down at Ernie's bar?

Did she smile your way twirl her hair and say how cute your dimples are?

Did she use that line your place or mine while ya danced with her real slow?

Tell me cheater, cheater where'd you meet that no good white trash ****?

Liar, liar, did you buy her whiskey all night long?

Did you hide your ring in the pocket of your jeans or did you just keep it on?

When the deed was done and you had your fun did you think I wouldn't know?

Tell me cheater, cheater where'd you meet that no good white trash ****?

Now I'm not one to judge someone that I ain't never met.

But to lay your hands on a married man's bout as low as a gal can get.

Well I wish her well as she rots in **** and you can tell her I said so.

Cheater, cheater where'd you meet that no good white trash ****.

Loser, loser, hope you love her cause your stuck with her now.

Take your sorry butt, load up all your stuff and get the **** out of my house.

But I just wish you'd tell me this one thing before you go.

Cheater, cheater where'd you meet that no good white trash ****?

Now I'm not one to judge someone that I ain't never met.

But to lay your hands on a married man's bout as low as a gal can get.

Hey I wish her well as she rots in **** and you can tell her I said so.

Cheater, cheater where'd you meet that no good white trash ****.

Yeah I'd just wish you'd tell me this one thing before you'd go.

Cheater, cheater, where'd you meet that low down up town slept with every guy around pressed on eye lashed no good white trash ****.