Bring the Rain......

For the last few weeks I have had this soul crushing, breath stealing ache in my heart that I just cannot shake.  This is not uncommon for me, as anyone who has ever met me, will testify; but usually I can drag myself out of the funk with a little S Club 7 (shut up) and shadow boxing (true story).  You can't be sad when rockin' out to a late 90's pop group; it is like trying to frown on a jetski- ain't gonna happen friend!  So yesterday morning as I was packing I threw on the I pod and readied myself to pop and lock around my bedroom.   Didn't work.  I tried.  I really tired. Picked a different song.  No dice.  I feel myself losing it slowly.......
Flash forward 10 minutes; I am on the floor in this pitiful ball of shaking sobs and primal, gut wrenching moans.
Flash forward 30 minutes: I feel good enough to pick my head off the floor as to not look like a total train wreck in case someone finds me.  A few deep breaths later and I feel anew;  like a rainstorm blew through me, washing away some of the hurt and anger.  It is still there--- it will always be there.  A constant reminder that I am scarred and battered; my war wounds from a life unexpected.

I know that for the rest of my life I will struggle with the inner demons that haunt me.  I will do my best to take them as they come and beat them back but today I finally learned that it is not a weakness to cry.  In fact, holding in the ache just makes it worse.  So from today on-  when I want to cry; I'm gonna cry.  I don't care if I have to excuse myself to the restroom or bolt for a dressing room; I will no longer bottle crap up.  Well, I will bottle most of it but I will release it before I blow completely up.  Again.

Moral of the story:  being a cry baby is not necessarily a bad thing.

Stephanie Lynn