Let it Burn!

I pretty much have a monopoly on the climbing wall as of late; not that there is a long line for it or anything.   My back is currently not talking to me, my legs, as if on their own volition, consistently lead me to my couch, and refuse to let me up.  My already wimpy arms have turned into limpy little noodles and refuse to cooperate half the time.  Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut --- I LOVE IT! With everything that has been going on in my life lately; all of the stress and confusion, I have gotten bogged down in self pity and depression.  On the wall it just sort of melts away and deep down I find this part of me that is really strong.  Stronger then I could have ever anticipated.  And not just physically strong; though I have lost 2 stone and can carry all the groceries PLUS milk into the apartment by myself.  Mentally strong.  There have been times in the last few years that I thought that I was going to lose it-  that I could just not handle life anymore.  The urge to crawl in a hole has swept over me many times and I will admit that I have giving it to it more times then not.  
On the wall it just all melts away.....like magic.  There is hope about my future when I am burning it up the wall; a hope that I might actually achieve something someday.  That not all hope is not lost for me.  Standing on the ground and looking at the wall I imagine all of my worries and fears and put them into that climb. With each new hand hold, I am one step close to getting to the top, to beating back all the negative feelings..  It is like I have thrown all of my stress, disappointment and self doubt into each climb.  Some days a half an hour is enough to me to feel human.  Other days, I fold into myself and just push on-  burning up the wall and with it all of the negativity.  Up and down.  Up and down.  Up and down.  Just like my life- except for this time instead of wallowing in the depths of depression I don't give myself time to think of it- I push on. 

The comparison of  my life in relation to rock climbing does not escape me.  In fact I find it incredibly poetic.  I have let life get me down too many times to count and unfortunately I have sometimes let the pain of the fall keep me down.  But if climbing has taught me anything, it's this-  if you stop and think about the pain, you give yourself time to talk yourself into quitting; into giving up.  But if you grab the nearest handhold and pull yourself up and go; the pain subsides and you get this natural high that makes you feel like you can achieve anything.  And I can.  My self doubt has held me back long enough; no longer.  I am letting it burn.  Along with all of the worry and fear and loathing and hate.  No time for wasting energy on things that are inconsequential or stressful or painful any longer.  I need to live my life for me.  "This is my one and only life and it's great and terrible and short and endless and none of us come out of it alive."  But I'll be damned if I am not going to make it a great one!


A life lesson learned on a rock wall crag.  =D

Stephanie Lynn