Let it Burn!

I pretty much have a monopoly on the climbing wall as of late; not that there is a long line for it or anything.   My back is currently not talking to me, my legs, as if on their own volition, consistently lead me to my couch, and refuse to let me up.  My already wimpy arms have turned into limpy little noodles and refuse to cooperate half the time.  Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut --- I LOVE IT! With everything that has been going on in my life lately; all of the stress and confusion, I have gotten bogged down in self pity and depression.  On the wall it just sort of melts away and deep down I find this part of me that is really strong.  Stronger then I could have ever anticipated.  And not just physically strong; though I have lost 2 stone and can carry all the groceries PLUS milk into the apartment by myself.  Mentally strong.  There have been times in the last few years that I thought that I was going to lose it-  that I could just not handle life anymore.  The urge to crawl in a hole has swept over me many times and I will admit that I have giving it to it more times then not.  
On the wall it just all melts away.....like magic.  There is hope about my future when I am burning it up the wall; a hope that I might actually achieve something someday.  That not all hope is not lost for me.  Standing on the ground and looking at the wall I imagine all of my worries and fears and put them into that climb. With each new hand hold, I am one step close to getting to the top, to beating back all the negative feelings..  It is like I have thrown all of my stress, disappointment and self doubt into each climb.  Some days a half an hour is enough to me to feel human.  Other days, I fold into myself and just push on-  burning up the wall and with it all of the negativity.  Up and down.  Up and down.  Up and down.  Just like my life- except for this time instead of wallowing in the depths of depression I don't give myself time to think of it- I push on. 

The comparison of  my life in relation to rock climbing does not escape me.  In fact I find it incredibly poetic.  I have let life get me down too many times to count and unfortunately I have sometimes let the pain of the fall keep me down.  But if climbing has taught me anything, it's this-  if you stop and think about the pain, you give yourself time to talk yourself into quitting; into giving up.  But if you grab the nearest handhold and pull yourself up and go; the pain subsides and you get this natural high that makes you feel like you can achieve anything.  And I can.  My self doubt has held me back long enough; no longer.  I am letting it burn.  Along with all of the worry and fear and loathing and hate.  No time for wasting energy on things that are inconsequential or stressful or painful any longer.  I need to live my life for me.  "This is my one and only life and it's great and terrible and short and endless and none of us come out of it alive."  But I'll be damned if I am not going to make it a great one!


A life lesson learned on a rock wall crag.  =D

Stephanie Lynn

Up, Up and Away!!!

I decided that sitting around feeling sorry for myself was just not doing it for me anymore so I checked out the University's activities page and noticed that their climbing wall is open 24/7 (as long as you have a partner) so I went to check it out.  I was pumped to get saddled in and do my first climb in months - first thing I noticed was that not climbing in awhile has really done a number on my upper body!  I felt like a novice the first run up and when I got back down; the rigger looked at me like I had never climbed before.  Whatever you creepy little freshman kinesiology major; I could climb circles around you!  I wish I would/could have said something to that effect but he was holding my toe line and I did not want to fall 100ft because I can't play nice with underclassman! =D  I popped in my Ipod buds, gave my line guide a smirk and started hauling for my second hump up. Then I noticed a girl on the crag next to me climbing like there was no tomorrow so I tried to keep pace with her.  Tried, being the operative word-  she was hardcore and fast!  Up she would go; tag the line and zip back down.  I kept a decent pace with her but eventually I zoned out and concentrated on the climb; trying to get my upped body back.  I climbed for about an hour and a half and then my Ipod died, so down I went; I cannot climb without music to help keep the blood pumping!  Jock Jams 97 baby!!!!!
As I was unrigging and trying not to look a fool (my arms felt like limp noodles), the girl that I had been trying to match came up to me and asked me the requisite climbing questions; how long have I been climbing, goals, favorite tools of the trade, la de dah.
After I was free, we hit up the smoothie bar and finished up our convo.  She is awesome;  I can say that I am in utter awe of her.  Her dad summited Everest in the '07 season, she has climbed Mont Blanc TWICE, and she is currently training to climb Denali next July.  I told her that my ultimate goal was getting into the 7 Summits Club and I was gunning for Denali to be my first summit; hopefully next July. It is the least technical but one of the hardest climbs.  She (did I mention her name was Baylee?) told me that she had been looking for a climbing partner because her classes run past the hours the wall is monitored (for people that have no partners you can only climb between 9 and 6).  She asked if I would be willing to be her partner- um; HELL YES!  So now I have a date every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturdays to climb!  She is in wicked good shape and a hell of a climber so I am really grateful for her.  She is going to push me and that is exactly what I need if I think I am going to even attempt Denali.  Who knows, maybe we will climb it together, she needs a line rigger and partner for that too!

So, as much as this move has been less then wanted and a little more then inconvenient, I have made a new friend.  I cannot wait until tomorrow night (even though my arms and back are currently pissed at me) when I can tune out the world and my problems and just climb.  Climb to a healthier me, climb to prepare for Denali, climb to forget, climb to beat Baylee to the tag!

I guess Stout is not as horrible as I gave it credit for.  =D

Stephanie Lynn

Soon grasshopper, soon.