This Wedding is Horseshit! Week-end Round up!

Holy..................Hell!  What a weekend!  I am still recovering from sunburn, dehydration, a minuscule hangover and photo OD; but am going to do my best to share with you the day in pictures and /adorable/ comments!


So - Off we go!


Thankfully I know myself well enough to have packed my bags and all of my necessities the night before ---- so we only had to turn around twice before actually setting off for good.  Then a quick stop at Wal-Mart because my OCD kicked in and I panicked - YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH NAIL GLUE!  =)


Then my phone started blowing up with requests from the bride - #1 of which was to pick up the bridal bouquet.  /Jesus Christ/ was that a nerve wracking 20 minute ride!  The whole way Jason got to listen to me mumble to myself and back seat drive!  "Don't let them die, don't let them die, don't let them die!  Holy hell, they almost tipped over, they are gonna wilt in this heat!  TURN ON THE AIR!  SHIT........a petal fell off........Bloody HELL Jason, could you not corner so damn fast!?!?!?!  Don't let them die don't let them die don't let them die. "
I have never been so happy to see her G'rent's house in.my.LIFE!

(For all y'all not from the country, this is what us rednecks like to do at night; use road signs as target practice.  It made my little country girl heart leap with glee to see this!)

I am never early for anything.  In fact - it is best if you count on me being.......at least 20 minutes late.  Feeling the MOH responsibility weighing heavily - we got there 5 hours early!  Bahahahahahahaha!  And as you will soon read - it was not early enough!


After handing off the bouquet to the first real adult I saw (Mumzy!) - I made it my mission to completely ignore the bride and find my future husband.  Luckily they had him penned in the living room with G'ma, so after I got my fill of Bruiser cuddles and kisses and the requisite head butt; I made myself useful!  Useful-ish.

(Our Mumzy is ALWAYS hogging Bruiser.  If I did not lover her so damn much, I would just start snatching him from her!  But Gramma's get 1st dibs, Aunties have to wait!)

Jules wanted /help/ making the guys flowers and the bridesmaids bouquets so she gathered up the flowers, handed them off to me and disappeared.  =D  Luckily, my granny taught me how to do everything from canning to lopping off a chickens head to taking Wal-Mart flowers and making them looking classy.  Literally everything, and if I can't do it; I'll bullshit my way through it.  I have helped make 100's of wedding decorations so I had those puppies whipped out in like 30 minutes.  I think they turned out nice.  Jules couldn't be bothered!  LOL!  Her "devil may care" attitude the whole day was refreshing for her but stressed me the hell out! =D

(The Bridesmaid's flowers - which I made - on a tiny ass counter - and NO PINS - in record time!  Be impressed; everyone else was!  Bahahahaha!) 

Then, after I had a minor heart attack when I realized the fridge was packed to capacity and the flowers wouldn't fit; I went outside to fry in the sun and help the dudes roast one big ass pig!  

(It smelled sooooooooo good - I almost forgot that I had to be in a wedding still =D)

And drink some ill advised beers.   Apparently ole booze brain here forgot all her medical training and started slamming Leinie's at noon. In 90 degree + heat. On a empty stomach.  And no other fluids consumed.  But everyone else was doing it!
We set up chairs, chased the neighbor dog out of the yard 4,538 times, screeched along to Tenacious D while putting together all the tents, made multiple runs back into town for tape, music, shoes, hairspray and more booze.
I snapped a picture of Julia with her "homegirl" because as everyone knows; Bruiser was an Immaculate Conception.  =D 

(Julia and Mary just chillin' while Jason sets the chairs up - that was the most perfect goddamned semi circle you EVERY SAW!)

I stepped on a sand burr and whined like a infant for 45 minutes then decided to emasculate Jason by having him help me make the centerpieces because my foot injury was a impediment. And I am lazy.  It was his idea to pretend to be Martha Stewart!
*I only shoot the photos - I don't direct the chimps in them =)

(He cleans up nice, don't you think?! Doing his best Martha Stewart impression but in a Julia Child voice - I was still a little buzzed from the Leinie's so I was a touch confused at what was going on ;D)

Finally it was time to get ready!!!!!  And I needed it!  I was dehydrated, sun burned and covered in sand!  Off I went to help Julia become a Mrs!

(I only am putting this picture on here so you can see what a pile I looked like before the wedding.  And to make Jules feel bad for running me ragged ;P)

For some reason, unknown to even the smartest of people, Jason became our "gopher bitch."  "JASON- Stop Max from shoving cookies in the VCR!  JASON!  I forgot my fake boobs in the trunk!  JASON! Take the rings to Charlie and if you lose them you die! JASON! Watch Max - he is trying to eat the sofa!  JASON! Find the I-Pod!  Poor guy - after he thought he had done it all; Jules lost her purse!  "JASON!  FIND JULES' PURSE NOW! " The next time I saw the poor dude, he was drinking.  Ahahahahahahahahaha!  We couldn't have done it without our "gopher bitch" though! 

The Wedding  

I am a sobber.  I am.  I see a commercial about a kitten and I cry.  I am sucker for sweetness, happiness and love.  This wedding was the absolute perfect blend of it all.  So I started crying earlier that anticipated.  Jules looked STUNNING and I was so honored that she asked me to help her into her dress and spend her last few moments as a Ms. with her; in her old bedroom with all the same posters, trinkets and photos I remembered.  :kleenex box stolen:
Then it was time to start lining everyone up.

(Little Miss, the flower girl; was FABULOUS!  Bruiser on the other hand was horrid at his job!  He feel asleep at his post!)

(Charlie had a legit reason for being on his phone - he was filming it.  Or so he has said =D  Look at Gabe, doing his job admirably!)

Then came the lady of the day (and her /hot/ dad; inside joke.  Get your own!) in a dress that made every males jaw -mine included- drop.  Hell- I had already seen it and my mouth was agape in utter awe!

(I have never been so happy to see living flowers!  I thought they would die after I had to pick them up and care for them! =D)

The vows were so sweet (and short; lovely!) and honest and pure - You could tell that these two kids really liked each other.  Like like each other!  

(Her vows included "what is best for the family........." I thought, just for a second, that N* was in the mob..........)

There was even a hint of tears in both of their voices - and they claim to be these be hard asses.........while on my end; I am openly crying.  I don't even care anymore!

There was more sweet whispering, and lovely promises and tender moments before finally - N* won his lady and he pronounced them Mr. and Mrs. N* E!

(They are always smiling around each other!)

(N* Giving his vow's - such a toughie getting all teary eyed!)

(And that is all she wrote, folks! As whooping and hollering accompanied their first PDA as man and wife!)

(As sweet and lovely as the wedding was - it was N* and Jules so they had us laughing and cry the whole ceremony.  This was after Jules was "proclaimed N*'s "woman"  and he bolted for the pig!)

(And the Party begins!  Have a blessed marriage you two - I love you both!!!!)

 (The sweet new E. Family minus one very special Princess K.  Missed you baby girl!)

(How is this not the sweetest thing EVER?!) 

 (The lady of the day in all her splendor!  And the "something borrow" flowers clips I gave her =D)

( Oh!  The damn shades!  JASON!  You were supposed to hide them!!!!!!!!!)

 (The beautiful ladies!)

 (The crew - I love the happy couples pose!)

(The reason for the whole wedding - THE PIG!)

(Another country reminder - I smiled.  It was still "live."  A ha ha ha!)

(Jules- you are my best friend and I am so honored that you and N* asked me to be a party of your day!  Also, thank you for not putting me in the green =D)

After we had our fill of pig, corn, pasta, cake, rum and cokes; we took to the rape mobile to blast the music, chill out after the excitement of the day and reflect on the upcoming debauchery of the evening.  And there was so much debauchery.  I bet you wish you were there now...........................

It was a great day and a wonderful wedding.  I love being part of weddings were the couple is as in love and in sync with each other as those two.  It is a rare thing to see these days and it was beautiful to see.
Hope the rest of you had AMAZING week-ends as well!  

Still amongst the living!

Hiya!
Sorry for my complete and utter lack of posts last week!  I actually have many fantastic reasons!  I promise.  Jules and N*'s wedding is 3 weeks away and we are starting to feel the pressure; and by "we", I literally mean me. =D  She is calm, cool and collected and I am up at night in hot sweats trying to figure out the logistics.  The Hen party is planned down to the littlest fact; much like the Royal Wedding.  1st drink at 5:00, depart for bar at 5:33, arrive at bar at 5:42, body shots begin at 9:15 and go until 11:00, barf at 12:15, 12:42, 1:13 and 1:42, black out at 2:03! LOL!   Evade the police is also the entire goal of the evening!
The wedding - we have our dress and a shit load of ideas - and thats where we have stalled.  So I spent the week in Eau Claire trying to gently prod her into making a decision; any decision regarding the wedding.  This I know - I'm wearing a yellow dress and.I.LOVE.it!!!

David's Bridal - F13722 - Project Wedding

The rest is a crap shoot!  This week is crunch time!  You would think this was my wedding as haggard as it has made me, but being the MOH is probably more stressful then being the bride. (sorry ladyface, you know it's true!)  My apologies to my baby sister for having her as my MOH at 14; I honestly did not realize that it was so stressful and you lose your hair!  I would have had one of PJH's mutt sisters handle it! LOL!
     So there is my excuse for last week - I actually had something to do!  Back to regularly scheduled blogging starting......now.  Check back tomorrow to see pictures of a new chapter in my already saga-length life!

Love to you all!

*Edited* because as I was witting and listening to the first good thunderstorm of the year raging outside, and watching the wind rape my house; a crow decided to fly at mach speed into my living room window; scaring the shit out of me and ending his life.  Bastard!  I almost pissed myself!  Glad he is dead - dumbass! =D

A merry old spinster I'll make!

Today my last "baby" cousin gets married and the 3 amigos will be no more.  It will be the 4 amigos +1 from here on out--- that is if they remember to include their old, unmarried cousin.

I used to love going to weddings - the whole kit and kaboodle; from preparing to go all the way through the reception.  Picking out the dress I was going to wear and matching it up with accessories; all carefully purchased weeks before.  Jamming to 80's love songs (mostly just Journey; you know you like them too!  Don't be a snob!) on the way to the ceremony; usually trying to drive in obscenely high heels and texting for directions.   Spending time with family and friends, watching my drunk uncles keel over; one after another like dominoes. Doing the chicken dance barefoot with my cousins because my obscenely high heels only have to last through the ceremony and dinner.  The electric slide; side by side with my aunt who has no shortage of high octane energy or hairspray.  Defending myself from the "handsy" friends that seem to think that my rear public property.  Doing shot after shot with my uncle - just to prove that I can handle my booze just as good if not BETTER then the rest of the Walker's---- Paging Dr. Mcgillicuddy!!!  Sleeping where I pass out........ =D


Now, the thought of going to a wedding makes me cry.  Not the good tears either.  The I-blew-my-only-chance-at-marriage-and-now-am-going-to-die-alone-in-a-house-filled-with-50-cats-and-nobody-is-going-to-even-notice-until-my-mail-piles-up-or-I-become-a-"weird"-smell, tears.

I am painfully aware that I did, in fact, have a husband.  I am also aware that it would be my 5 year anniversary this September-  trust me when I say that sleep has been elusive as of late.  But-  like everything I touch; it turned to shit.  So now, I am a guest at wedding after wedding where I watch 2 become 1 and I while I sit alone with my kleenex and cry.  

All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a momma.  I was a wife- for 579 days and children will never come out of my body.  Not unless there is a god and he decides to take pity on me or science REALLY catches up! 


So, as I slip into my new dress and strap on my heels, I will throw a tiny pity-party in my head for a bit then push on.  I will enjoy myself and not worry about what animals may or may not eat me in the near future.  I will dance and laugh and drink too much and put my foot in my mouth one to many times.  I will do the chicken dance and the cha-cha slide and eat cake.  I have lots of time to feel sorry for myself.  Today-  I party!  Tomorrow I can go back to my Bridget Jones lifestyle and mope!

Shane and Jessica W.  8.28.10
I <3 <3 <3 you both to pieces!!!!

Eternally Single Stephanie