This Wedding is Horseshit! Week-end Round up!

Holy..................Hell!  What a weekend!  I am still recovering from sunburn, dehydration, a minuscule hangover and photo OD; but am going to do my best to share with you the day in pictures and /adorable/ comments!


So - Off we go!


Thankfully I know myself well enough to have packed my bags and all of my necessities the night before ---- so we only had to turn around twice before actually setting off for good.  Then a quick stop at Wal-Mart because my OCD kicked in and I panicked - YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH NAIL GLUE!  =)


Then my phone started blowing up with requests from the bride - #1 of which was to pick up the bridal bouquet.  /Jesus Christ/ was that a nerve wracking 20 minute ride!  The whole way Jason got to listen to me mumble to myself and back seat drive!  "Don't let them die, don't let them die, don't let them die!  Holy hell, they almost tipped over, they are gonna wilt in this heat!  TURN ON THE AIR!  SHIT........a petal fell off........Bloody HELL Jason, could you not corner so damn fast!?!?!?!  Don't let them die don't let them die don't let them die. "
I have never been so happy to see her G'rent's house in.my.LIFE!

(For all y'all not from the country, this is what us rednecks like to do at night; use road signs as target practice.  It made my little country girl heart leap with glee to see this!)

I am never early for anything.  In fact - it is best if you count on me being.......at least 20 minutes late.  Feeling the MOH responsibility weighing heavily - we got there 5 hours early!  Bahahahahahahaha!  And as you will soon read - it was not early enough!


After handing off the bouquet to the first real adult I saw (Mumzy!) - I made it my mission to completely ignore the bride and find my future husband.  Luckily they had him penned in the living room with G'ma, so after I got my fill of Bruiser cuddles and kisses and the requisite head butt; I made myself useful!  Useful-ish.

(Our Mumzy is ALWAYS hogging Bruiser.  If I did not lover her so damn much, I would just start snatching him from her!  But Gramma's get 1st dibs, Aunties have to wait!)

Jules wanted /help/ making the guys flowers and the bridesmaids bouquets so she gathered up the flowers, handed them off to me and disappeared.  =D  Luckily, my granny taught me how to do everything from canning to lopping off a chickens head to taking Wal-Mart flowers and making them looking classy.  Literally everything, and if I can't do it; I'll bullshit my way through it.  I have helped make 100's of wedding decorations so I had those puppies whipped out in like 30 minutes.  I think they turned out nice.  Jules couldn't be bothered!  LOL!  Her "devil may care" attitude the whole day was refreshing for her but stressed me the hell out! =D

(The Bridesmaid's flowers - which I made - on a tiny ass counter - and NO PINS - in record time!  Be impressed; everyone else was!  Bahahahaha!) 

Then, after I had a minor heart attack when I realized the fridge was packed to capacity and the flowers wouldn't fit; I went outside to fry in the sun and help the dudes roast one big ass pig!  

(It smelled sooooooooo good - I almost forgot that I had to be in a wedding still =D)

And drink some ill advised beers.   Apparently ole booze brain here forgot all her medical training and started slamming Leinie's at noon. In 90 degree + heat. On a empty stomach.  And no other fluids consumed.  But everyone else was doing it!
We set up chairs, chased the neighbor dog out of the yard 4,538 times, screeched along to Tenacious D while putting together all the tents, made multiple runs back into town for tape, music, shoes, hairspray and more booze.
I snapped a picture of Julia with her "homegirl" because as everyone knows; Bruiser was an Immaculate Conception.  =D 

(Julia and Mary just chillin' while Jason sets the chairs up - that was the most perfect goddamned semi circle you EVERY SAW!)

I stepped on a sand burr and whined like a infant for 45 minutes then decided to emasculate Jason by having him help me make the centerpieces because my foot injury was a impediment. And I am lazy.  It was his idea to pretend to be Martha Stewart!
*I only shoot the photos - I don't direct the chimps in them =)

(He cleans up nice, don't you think?! Doing his best Martha Stewart impression but in a Julia Child voice - I was still a little buzzed from the Leinie's so I was a touch confused at what was going on ;D)

Finally it was time to get ready!!!!!  And I needed it!  I was dehydrated, sun burned and covered in sand!  Off I went to help Julia become a Mrs!

(I only am putting this picture on here so you can see what a pile I looked like before the wedding.  And to make Jules feel bad for running me ragged ;P)

For some reason, unknown to even the smartest of people, Jason became our "gopher bitch."  "JASON- Stop Max from shoving cookies in the VCR!  JASON!  I forgot my fake boobs in the trunk!  JASON! Take the rings to Charlie and if you lose them you die! JASON! Watch Max - he is trying to eat the sofa!  JASON! Find the I-Pod!  Poor guy - after he thought he had done it all; Jules lost her purse!  "JASON!  FIND JULES' PURSE NOW! " The next time I saw the poor dude, he was drinking.  Ahahahahahahahahaha!  We couldn't have done it without our "gopher bitch" though! 

The Wedding  

I am a sobber.  I am.  I see a commercial about a kitten and I cry.  I am sucker for sweetness, happiness and love.  This wedding was the absolute perfect blend of it all.  So I started crying earlier that anticipated.  Jules looked STUNNING and I was so honored that she asked me to help her into her dress and spend her last few moments as a Ms. with her; in her old bedroom with all the same posters, trinkets and photos I remembered.  :kleenex box stolen:
Then it was time to start lining everyone up.

(Little Miss, the flower girl; was FABULOUS!  Bruiser on the other hand was horrid at his job!  He feel asleep at his post!)

(Charlie had a legit reason for being on his phone - he was filming it.  Or so he has said =D  Look at Gabe, doing his job admirably!)

Then came the lady of the day (and her /hot/ dad; inside joke.  Get your own!) in a dress that made every males jaw -mine included- drop.  Hell- I had already seen it and my mouth was agape in utter awe!

(I have never been so happy to see living flowers!  I thought they would die after I had to pick them up and care for them! =D)

The vows were so sweet (and short; lovely!) and honest and pure - You could tell that these two kids really liked each other.  Like like each other!  

(Her vows included "what is best for the family........." I thought, just for a second, that N* was in the mob..........)

There was even a hint of tears in both of their voices - and they claim to be these be hard asses.........while on my end; I am openly crying.  I don't even care anymore!

There was more sweet whispering, and lovely promises and tender moments before finally - N* won his lady and he pronounced them Mr. and Mrs. N* E!

(They are always smiling around each other!)

(N* Giving his vow's - such a toughie getting all teary eyed!)

(And that is all she wrote, folks! As whooping and hollering accompanied their first PDA as man and wife!)

(As sweet and lovely as the wedding was - it was N* and Jules so they had us laughing and cry the whole ceremony.  This was after Jules was "proclaimed N*'s "woman"  and he bolted for the pig!)

(And the Party begins!  Have a blessed marriage you two - I love you both!!!!)

 (The sweet new E. Family minus one very special Princess K.  Missed you baby girl!)

(How is this not the sweetest thing EVER?!) 

 (The lady of the day in all her splendor!  And the "something borrow" flowers clips I gave her =D)

( Oh!  The damn shades!  JASON!  You were supposed to hide them!!!!!!!!!)

 (The beautiful ladies!)

 (The crew - I love the happy couples pose!)

(The reason for the whole wedding - THE PIG!)

(Another country reminder - I smiled.  It was still "live."  A ha ha ha!)

(Jules- you are my best friend and I am so honored that you and N* asked me to be a party of your day!  Also, thank you for not putting me in the green =D)

After we had our fill of pig, corn, pasta, cake, rum and cokes; we took to the rape mobile to blast the music, chill out after the excitement of the day and reflect on the upcoming debauchery of the evening.  And there was so much debauchery.  I bet you wish you were there now...........................

It was a great day and a wonderful wedding.  I love being part of weddings were the couple is as in love and in sync with each other as those two.  It is a rare thing to see these days and it was beautiful to see.
Hope the rest of you had AMAZING week-ends as well!  

Weekend Recap.

This weekend was stellar by all accounts!!!!!  Saturday was pretty humdrum but I got the house tore apart and cleaned and it sorely needed it.  I make a sorry excuse for a house keeper; I think SD's obsession to OVER cleaning everything, put me off cleaning.  I spot clean =)

I have been losing weight pretty steadily since the doctors can't seem to get their acts together and keep canceling every.single.appointment.daily. I can't afford to keep buying a new size of jeans every week and I am not big into the "baggy jeans" look; so I am doing all dress for this summer.  Bring out the little lady in me! :snort:

I was able to get a sting of a deal at Macy's! They were having a dress sale, plus I had coupons (and my Macy's card - shhhhhhh!!) so when all was said and done; the following dresses totaled up to $25.01!  Not bad! 

A sweet little cotton, yellow lily tie dress from Miu Miu

 A IheartRonson yellow cotton sun dress with a lace hem and a sweet flower clip at the hip. Also a tie dress so that when I lose and gain weight it will still fit.  My "Easter" Dress!

 A Miu Miu water lily slip skirt =D 

 Urban Edge lace up fishscale dress - looks AWESOME with black leggings!!!!!

Urban Edge pink cotton sundress - also a tie

My favorite pick of the bunch!!!!  A 20's inspired silk, lace and cotton sun dress with an adorable throat tie and ribbon detailing at the hem.  I <3 this dress!

I feel like Daisy from the Great Gatsby in this stunner!

The fish scale detailing :sigh: =D

Sunday I got to spend it with my Ladyface and Bruiser to go bridesmaid dress hunting.  I also got a chance to use my new camera on a very willing and flirty subject.  He sure does love the ladies!

Look at those PEEPERS!

 Nekkid Bruiser!

you say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

Peekie Boo! :smooch:

Places to go!

Gabbers was there and insisted that we take a picture together; the kid would befriend a ax murder, he is such a sweetie!

It was................

literally like................

trying to...............

wrangle cats!  This is a good as it got! LOL!

My future hubster and I! I love this kiddo!

Jules, Brusier and I never did find bridesmaids dresses (YET!) but we found some other dresses (as seen above) we liked.  I mean, the wedding IS only a month away! Oi! I need to become a Maid of HonorZilla and herd this group in A direction. A singular direction!  

That is all for now!  Hope you all had a fantastic and warm weekend!  Have a great week!

GLÜCKLICHE GEBURTSTAG ZU MEINER MAMA!!!!

Glückliche Geburtstag mama!!! I hope it is the best 35th birthday of them all!  Now, enjoy the picture of the cupcake that you can't eat.  =D

Stephanie Lynn

The Closing of One Door or How I Became Me.

Therapy is a funny place to go.
You spend 50 minutes with a virtual stranger telling them your inner most secrets and desires and after, they tell you what is wrong with you. What you can do to "fix" yourself; make you more "normal".
This has been a long process. This "fixing myself." Over 10 years of it......and time and time again I have hit the same road block. Without fail, anytime she mentions my biological father I snap shut, change the topic and tell an inappropriate joke. I am lucky that my therapist has not been pushy; she lets our sessions evolve instead of pushing them in any given direction.

That was until last week.

I had literally run out of things to talk about. My life is by no means perfect- far from it. But I felt like the therapy had been a huge help and I had covered all my bases regarding the past.

Oh boy was I wrong!

Like I said, Dr. Jennifer is not pushy but I know the fact that I refused to speak about my biological "father" was a issue with her. She has my file from when I was a teenager and my mom was divorcing him; back then I held nothing back. I shared EVERYTHING about him with my last therapists. I knew that she knew that there was more to talk about, so after I ran out of things to talk about last week, she turned the conversation to him.
I will skip emotional breakdown that ensued though I am pretty that at one point I considered making up stuff just to avoid talking about it. Eventually we came to an agreement: I talk to my genetic "father" about what he did to me and what he continues to do to me, and she will leave it be.
For the time being.
We shook on it.

Problem is---- genetic "father" cut me out of his life. The reason will shortly be revealed- BUT I did make an agreement with Dr. Jen ( even though my toes were crossed!). So she told me to write him a letter. Problem with letters and emails is that they can be deleted or tossed without being read. Phone calls ALWAYS end up in a hang up. Or straight to voice mail and he has NEVER returned one of my calls! So- blog it! That way it is out there for him to see- he can't delete it, it is on my blog. So for my soul, mind and body health I am now posting my open letter to my biological "father" in hopes that he reads this. Then stays the hell out of my life FOREVER!

*******I kinda feel like Tori Spelling =D

*******DISCLAIMER*********************

All names are withheld and all opinions are mine. (thanks TMZ =D)

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To my biological "father",

I will 26 soon. I am pretty sure that you have no idea how old I am seeing as I received 3 birthday cards in a row that said "Happy 17th Birthday!" At least you got it right one year. I don't know where to even begin with this so I will just jump right in to my earliest memory of you. We were living in a duplex in Altoona. I remember sitting on the water bed listen to my mom crying into the phone, asking the police to come. I remember seeing you standing in the driveway talking to cops; I am sure feeding them some bullshit story that you spun every time they came around (which was often). I remember being terrified that they were going to take you away. That I would never see you again. I also remember thinking that if you were gone my mom wouldn't cry anymore.

Then we moved to Augusta. My memories from the ages of 3 to 6 are very sad and lonely ones. Days spent playing alone in the playhouse trying to stay out of your way. I remember you hardly ever worked and when you weren't working, you spent all of you time in the garage drinking beer. Do you have any idea what it must have felt like for me? I had very few friends but the ones I had, had dads that loved them; played with them. My "dad" spent his days drinking and hanging out with losers. I have not 1 single memory of you ever "stopping by" the playhouse for a visit. I do remember that you built me a tire swing and a tree swing. I do know that sometimes that you would push me and give me "underdogs." But mostly I remember how proud I was when I finally got the "leg pump" down for swinging so I didn't need a push to get going. I remember running to the garage to tell you and asked you to come and see. Do you remember what you said to me?

"I have better things to do."

Was the picnic table that took you 5 years to build really more important to you, then taking 5 minutes to watch me and even pretend to be proud? Do you know what that says to a 5 year old?

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!

I remember my mom having to leave out a bowl of dry cereal and a small glass of milk in the fridge for me every morning, so when I woke up I could feed myself breakfast. I knew better then to wake you up and my mom had to work because you wouldn't.

I remember you trying to teach me to ride a bike without training wheels. How you gave up after a short period because I was to "stupid" to figure it out. So I tried to teach myself and crashed into a tree and scrapped up my leg.
But you didn't know that. I took myself into the house and got a band aid. You never did like "cry-asses."

I remember spending a whole night with my mom making cupcakes for my class. It was my birthday the next day; I was going to be 9! Do you remember how I forgot my library book upstairs so I ran up to get it before the bus came? Do you remember how I wasn't moving "fast enough" so you shoved me down the stairs? Do you remember how I landed on my cupcakes and ruined them? Do you remember telling me not to cry and to get my ass on the bus? I took those smushed cupcakes to school and threw them in the garbage outside of class. I looked like a loser when I showed up with no birthday treat. Then I had to go home and lie to my mom about how everyone liked them and my class party was fun. It wasn't. I spent lunch in the bathroom crying.

I remember the day I was not feeling well so I didn't eat all of my lunch (it was either tomato soup and grilled cheese or bologna cheese; you didn't give 2 shits what I ate so it was always the same) so you sent me to my room for the afternoon as punishment. I remember waking up to you screaming and throwing me out of bed. Do you remember why?
Because younger sister was riding her bike on the back porch and rode it off the side; hurting herself.
You were pissed that I was not watching her; even though I was grounded to my room. If you can figure out that logic, please let me know. Because from my point of view I got beat because you got drunk and lost your kid.......I think from anyone's point of view it was probably that reason.

I remember the time you beat Scooter so bad that she ran away from home in the winter. She was gone for over a week and I remember laying in bed bawling myself to sleep every night. She was my only friend in that lonely country house. I remember when my mom called me at school to tell me that Scooter was safe and sound at a neighbors house. When I got home I hugged her so hard and cried into her neck.
You knew how special she was to me; how she was my only friend. Is that why you would hurt her when you knew you couldn't hurt me? I would have preferred that you beat me.......she did nothing to deserve your malice and ALWAYS forgave you with kisses. That is where her and I differed. The more people and things in my life that you hurt and ruined, the more I hardened my heart against you.

Do you remember all the times you beat me? I was a little girl- what kind of "father" punches, whips, chokes, slaps and kicks his daughter, then acts like nothing happened? What kind of "father" threatens to kill his child or her mother if she ever tells on him?

What kind of "father" gives away his dying daughter because he does not want to pay back child support? Then goes fishing the day of her funeral? What kind of father DENIES his children the chance to meet their older sister before she died? What kind of "father" leaves their son in the care of a unstable mental patient without regard to his care? What kind of "father" cleans out their daughters savings account to buy a snowplow you used, what, 4 winters? Real fathers don't do any of that. So you were a fraud.

I used to love you.
I used to trust you.
I used to count on you.
Now I know better.

You are a self centered, self involved prick.
You care about only you and you alone!
I am sorry that I did not conveniently die like eldest sister. I am sorry that you have to deny my and little brothers existences. I am sure it cramps your new re-invented, uber cool style; having all these kids hanging around. Little sister is still useful to you; but eventually you will tire of her as well.

Do you know that I do not have a relationship with little sister because of you?
Because you never laid a hand on her; because I took her beatings, she thinks I made it all up. I took the blame for things she did for years just so she wouldn't have to live everyday in fear like me. She does not believe me. She thinks you to be a saint. She defends you and throws me under the bus. I have tried to make a relationship with her yet you win. She loves you still. I hope you don't hurt her like you hurt me. You have already ruined 3 of your "kids" lives......... you are going to need her around. Because I foresee a very sad, lonely future for you. You will deserve nothing less. And if it is left up to me- I will find the worst nursing home in the world and dump you on their doorstep.

So you can go ahead and cross me off your list of off spring. Thanks for half of my genetic code (the lazy, useless half) but that is all that I am going to need from you here on out. I can handle it. I wash my hands of you and your abuse; physical and emotionally. Go ahead and try and deny it if you need to; but a simple stop down to the Sheriffs Department will just make you look even worse; so save your breath. This letter is to get you out of my life; not drag out all of our "family's" dirty laundry. BUT I will if I have to! So do not test me.

If it is any consolation- you almost won. I almost let you get to me. For years I was angry and mean and bitter; just like you. I hated you for everything that you did to me but I punished myself. For years I convinced myself I deserved to be kick down stairs, punched in the face, told I was ugly, worthless. I believed you when you told me that I would never find anyone to marry me and I would die alone.

But you have zero power over me as of today. I am done with you. You are NOT my father. You have not once acted like it in 26 years; why the hell should I expect it out of you now?

Do you know that up until 3 days before the wedding I wanted my REAL FATHER to walk me down the aisle? But that the guilt got to me so bad that I let you? Did you know that I didn't even want you there? But I knew that if I didn't invite you and the Holstein that you where shacking up with; my baby brother would not get to come. Baby brother is the ONLY reason you were even invited. Guilt and my mother and father are what got you the privilege of walking me down the aisle.

I should have listened to my heart.

I may carry your last name but that is where "we" end. I want you to become a distant memory. I want the wounds that you caused to heal. That will only happen when you are gone from my life for good. So to become a healthier, happier, nicer person; you need to leave. I am banishing you from my thoughts, my life, my photo albums, EVERYTHING. You no longer hold any power over me. You are nothing to me. From today I will not know you from Adam. As of today I have one mom and one dad that love me unconditionally. You are neither.

I wish I could say I love you.
but I don't.
I am not going to lie.

As of today, as of this final sentence; you are no longer a part of me. You no longer in my thoughts. You no longer hold power. You are nothing.

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*Back to regular blogging tomorrow folks! Sorry to toss this on a otherwise hopping blog =D

Peace, Love and Chicken Grease!

Stephanie Lynn