The Closing of One Door or How I Became Me.

Therapy is a funny place to go.
You spend 50 minutes with a virtual stranger telling them your inner most secrets and desires and after, they tell you what is wrong with you. What you can do to "fix" yourself; make you more "normal".
This has been a long process. This "fixing myself." Over 10 years of it......and time and time again I have hit the same road block. Without fail, anytime she mentions my biological father I snap shut, change the topic and tell an inappropriate joke. I am lucky that my therapist has not been pushy; she lets our sessions evolve instead of pushing them in any given direction.

That was until last week.

I had literally run out of things to talk about. My life is by no means perfect- far from it. But I felt like the therapy had been a huge help and I had covered all my bases regarding the past.

Oh boy was I wrong!

Like I said, Dr. Jennifer is not pushy but I know the fact that I refused to speak about my biological "father" was a issue with her. She has my file from when I was a teenager and my mom was divorcing him; back then I held nothing back. I shared EVERYTHING about him with my last therapists. I knew that she knew that there was more to talk about, so after I ran out of things to talk about last week, she turned the conversation to him.
I will skip emotional breakdown that ensued though I am pretty that at one point I considered making up stuff just to avoid talking about it. Eventually we came to an agreement: I talk to my genetic "father" about what he did to me and what he continues to do to me, and she will leave it be.
For the time being.
We shook on it.

Problem is---- genetic "father" cut me out of his life. The reason will shortly be revealed- BUT I did make an agreement with Dr. Jen ( even though my toes were crossed!). So she told me to write him a letter. Problem with letters and emails is that they can be deleted or tossed without being read. Phone calls ALWAYS end up in a hang up. Or straight to voice mail and he has NEVER returned one of my calls! So- blog it! That way it is out there for him to see- he can't delete it, it is on my blog. So for my soul, mind and body health I am now posting my open letter to my biological "father" in hopes that he reads this. Then stays the hell out of my life FOREVER!

*******I kinda feel like Tori Spelling =D

*******DISCLAIMER*********************

All names are withheld and all opinions are mine. (thanks TMZ =D)

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To my biological "father",

I will 26 soon. I am pretty sure that you have no idea how old I am seeing as I received 3 birthday cards in a row that said "Happy 17th Birthday!" At least you got it right one year. I don't know where to even begin with this so I will just jump right in to my earliest memory of you. We were living in a duplex in Altoona. I remember sitting on the water bed listen to my mom crying into the phone, asking the police to come. I remember seeing you standing in the driveway talking to cops; I am sure feeding them some bullshit story that you spun every time they came around (which was often). I remember being terrified that they were going to take you away. That I would never see you again. I also remember thinking that if you were gone my mom wouldn't cry anymore.

Then we moved to Augusta. My memories from the ages of 3 to 6 are very sad and lonely ones. Days spent playing alone in the playhouse trying to stay out of your way. I remember you hardly ever worked and when you weren't working, you spent all of you time in the garage drinking beer. Do you have any idea what it must have felt like for me? I had very few friends but the ones I had, had dads that loved them; played with them. My "dad" spent his days drinking and hanging out with losers. I have not 1 single memory of you ever "stopping by" the playhouse for a visit. I do remember that you built me a tire swing and a tree swing. I do know that sometimes that you would push me and give me "underdogs." But mostly I remember how proud I was when I finally got the "leg pump" down for swinging so I didn't need a push to get going. I remember running to the garage to tell you and asked you to come and see. Do you remember what you said to me?

"I have better things to do."

Was the picnic table that took you 5 years to build really more important to you, then taking 5 minutes to watch me and even pretend to be proud? Do you know what that says to a 5 year old?

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!

I remember my mom having to leave out a bowl of dry cereal and a small glass of milk in the fridge for me every morning, so when I woke up I could feed myself breakfast. I knew better then to wake you up and my mom had to work because you wouldn't.

I remember you trying to teach me to ride a bike without training wheels. How you gave up after a short period because I was to "stupid" to figure it out. So I tried to teach myself and crashed into a tree and scrapped up my leg.
But you didn't know that. I took myself into the house and got a band aid. You never did like "cry-asses."

I remember spending a whole night with my mom making cupcakes for my class. It was my birthday the next day; I was going to be 9! Do you remember how I forgot my library book upstairs so I ran up to get it before the bus came? Do you remember how I wasn't moving "fast enough" so you shoved me down the stairs? Do you remember how I landed on my cupcakes and ruined them? Do you remember telling me not to cry and to get my ass on the bus? I took those smushed cupcakes to school and threw them in the garbage outside of class. I looked like a loser when I showed up with no birthday treat. Then I had to go home and lie to my mom about how everyone liked them and my class party was fun. It wasn't. I spent lunch in the bathroom crying.

I remember the day I was not feeling well so I didn't eat all of my lunch (it was either tomato soup and grilled cheese or bologna cheese; you didn't give 2 shits what I ate so it was always the same) so you sent me to my room for the afternoon as punishment. I remember waking up to you screaming and throwing me out of bed. Do you remember why?
Because younger sister was riding her bike on the back porch and rode it off the side; hurting herself.
You were pissed that I was not watching her; even though I was grounded to my room. If you can figure out that logic, please let me know. Because from my point of view I got beat because you got drunk and lost your kid.......I think from anyone's point of view it was probably that reason.

I remember the time you beat Scooter so bad that she ran away from home in the winter. She was gone for over a week and I remember laying in bed bawling myself to sleep every night. She was my only friend in that lonely country house. I remember when my mom called me at school to tell me that Scooter was safe and sound at a neighbors house. When I got home I hugged her so hard and cried into her neck.
You knew how special she was to me; how she was my only friend. Is that why you would hurt her when you knew you couldn't hurt me? I would have preferred that you beat me.......she did nothing to deserve your malice and ALWAYS forgave you with kisses. That is where her and I differed. The more people and things in my life that you hurt and ruined, the more I hardened my heart against you.

Do you remember all the times you beat me? I was a little girl- what kind of "father" punches, whips, chokes, slaps and kicks his daughter, then acts like nothing happened? What kind of "father" threatens to kill his child or her mother if she ever tells on him?

What kind of "father" gives away his dying daughter because he does not want to pay back child support? Then goes fishing the day of her funeral? What kind of father DENIES his children the chance to meet their older sister before she died? What kind of "father" leaves their son in the care of a unstable mental patient without regard to his care? What kind of "father" cleans out their daughters savings account to buy a snowplow you used, what, 4 winters? Real fathers don't do any of that. So you were a fraud.

I used to love you.
I used to trust you.
I used to count on you.
Now I know better.

You are a self centered, self involved prick.
You care about only you and you alone!
I am sorry that I did not conveniently die like eldest sister. I am sorry that you have to deny my and little brothers existences. I am sure it cramps your new re-invented, uber cool style; having all these kids hanging around. Little sister is still useful to you; but eventually you will tire of her as well.

Do you know that I do not have a relationship with little sister because of you?
Because you never laid a hand on her; because I took her beatings, she thinks I made it all up. I took the blame for things she did for years just so she wouldn't have to live everyday in fear like me. She does not believe me. She thinks you to be a saint. She defends you and throws me under the bus. I have tried to make a relationship with her yet you win. She loves you still. I hope you don't hurt her like you hurt me. You have already ruined 3 of your "kids" lives......... you are going to need her around. Because I foresee a very sad, lonely future for you. You will deserve nothing less. And if it is left up to me- I will find the worst nursing home in the world and dump you on their doorstep.

So you can go ahead and cross me off your list of off spring. Thanks for half of my genetic code (the lazy, useless half) but that is all that I am going to need from you here on out. I can handle it. I wash my hands of you and your abuse; physical and emotionally. Go ahead and try and deny it if you need to; but a simple stop down to the Sheriffs Department will just make you look even worse; so save your breath. This letter is to get you out of my life; not drag out all of our "family's" dirty laundry. BUT I will if I have to! So do not test me.

If it is any consolation- you almost won. I almost let you get to me. For years I was angry and mean and bitter; just like you. I hated you for everything that you did to me but I punished myself. For years I convinced myself I deserved to be kick down stairs, punched in the face, told I was ugly, worthless. I believed you when you told me that I would never find anyone to marry me and I would die alone.

But you have zero power over me as of today. I am done with you. You are NOT my father. You have not once acted like it in 26 years; why the hell should I expect it out of you now?

Do you know that up until 3 days before the wedding I wanted my REAL FATHER to walk me down the aisle? But that the guilt got to me so bad that I let you? Did you know that I didn't even want you there? But I knew that if I didn't invite you and the Holstein that you where shacking up with; my baby brother would not get to come. Baby brother is the ONLY reason you were even invited. Guilt and my mother and father are what got you the privilege of walking me down the aisle.

I should have listened to my heart.

I may carry your last name but that is where "we" end. I want you to become a distant memory. I want the wounds that you caused to heal. That will only happen when you are gone from my life for good. So to become a healthier, happier, nicer person; you need to leave. I am banishing you from my thoughts, my life, my photo albums, EVERYTHING. You no longer hold any power over me. You are nothing to me. From today I will not know you from Adam. As of today I have one mom and one dad that love me unconditionally. You are neither.

I wish I could say I love you.
but I don't.
I am not going to lie.

As of today, as of this final sentence; you are no longer a part of me. You no longer in my thoughts. You no longer hold power. You are nothing.

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*Back to regular blogging tomorrow folks! Sorry to toss this on a otherwise hopping blog =D

Peace, Love and Chicken Grease!

Stephanie Lynn