Lost

Everywhere I look there is nothing- no hope.  Just vast expanses of happiness vacuums and a dark future.  Should I roll over and just resign to my fate?  Give up on myself and my dreams, just be happy I am not alone.  Or do I go ahead, into the scary dark and forge my own way?  Will it make me stronger?  Will it tear me down, chew me up and spit me back out?  will I make it through to the other side or will I lose what little will I have left and cash in my chips?  Where do you go when"up" is not an option--- when you know you are going to be trapped forever in this soul crushing, blinding hurt and pain; does anything matter?  Does anything I do on this planet even matter?  Do I even serve a purpose?
I am so tried.   tired of crying all day, everyday.  I am tired of lying to friends while wearing 2 shades darker makeup and sun glasses at night.  I am tired of trying to make him happy.  Tired of the flinching and uneasiness.  Tired that the only time I see him smile is right before he hits me or calls me names.  I am just tired.  Too tired.
I want to quit.  I want out.  I need out.  Right now I don't care if he kills me or not.  Because the way I see it, either way is a way out and that is all I want.
Both result in me having a rest.  That is all I want.  One day where I am not living in terror or fear.  One day where I can actually be happy and smile for real.  Not because I was told to.

I doubt that day will come.

I doubt.